Cinderella The Possum

My little Girl tried out for a part in the play Cinderella today.
She thinks She is Cinderella anyway. So trying out for the part came naturally for Her (at least She thinks so.) I was there of course wathching every move She Made. She insisted on wearing Her costume to School, instead of changing at the rehearsal. It was a sight to see, Her schelping down to the Bus Stop with Her full length Gown, dragging on the dirt, getting the hem all muddy and dirty, smiling all the way ( the famous 1000 teeth grin ). All the kids on the Bus were laughing at Her and that Holcombe boy threw a rottton Orange at her, It splattered all over the Gown, but not for long, She licked it clean right away. ( She thought it was a compliment) But She looked o.k. minus the big Orange stain on the front of her getup.
During tryouts, once it became her turn, She muddled up to the stage, tripping on the stairs, one of her four Glass slippers fell off, and She reached behind Her with Her tail and slipped the slipper back on without even looking ( having a workable tail comes in handy sometimes )
Once on the Stage She recited ( or should I say grunted Her lines ) And the Director Kept Yelling " Cut " Mary you are supposed to twirl your long blonde Hair after that last line. Once again I thought to Myself "thats Myrtle you Stupid ^^%$##@#$"
Myrtle Has no long blonde Hair, We forgot to put on Her wig for the tryouts.
Then came the part I hated the most, its when Cinderella has to kiss Prince Charming, Prince Charming was being tried out By Billy Bob ben Jo Holcmbe.
He's no prince charming, more like Hillbilly disgusting. Myrtle tilted Her head back and puffed up Her lips, waiting on BBBJH to kiss Her, Then silence fell over the auditorium, BBBJH's face turned a shade of whiter than white, He began to swerve, and lost His stomach right there.
I guess it was the bits of orange peel stuck in Myrtles teeth, and of course Her harendous breath probably. ( no matter how many times a possum brushes her teeth, Her breath could stop a Locamotive in its tracks) Its because She likes to nibble on Dog poop during recess. ( I wish people would scoop up behind their Dogs in the playground)
After BBBJH threw up and fainted, the director Said " Next " and myrtle scurried off stage.
I was so Proud of my little Girl, not only did She complete her lines, but She made that weirdo BBBJH look like a fool. Sad to say though Myrtle diden't get the part of Cinderella, but She did land the Part of one of the Evil Ugly Stepsisiters, A silent part that is, A part She will do well in.
Wll I'm going to take Myrtle out to celebrate this afternoon, She wants to go to the Batting Cages, Its a lot of fun, but I wish Myrtle would learn to let go of the Bat after She hits.
She keeps slinging Herself into the fence.
Until then
Sincerely
Myrtle's Father

Myrtle gets a Job

Today Myrtle got a job.
We went to the restauraunt Dusti's Country Kitchen, and they hired myrtle as a Pre-Wash dishwasher. Myrtles loves it. Her Job duites are as follows:
Pre -Wash all the dirty dishes. ( Thats It) You should see Her, she is so excited.
I picked her up from the Job at 8:30, thats kind of late for after school, but we have to pay for all the girl Scout Cookies she ate. Around 9:30, Her boss called ( Mrs Dusti ) And said I needed to have a talk with Her about Her Job duties. " Why I asked?" Myrtle is confused about pre-washing She Said. She is supposed to pre-wash the dishes in the sink before they go to the dishwasher, but instead She is licking the plates clean. ( thats My Girl I thought )
All the Staff in the restauraunt was grossing out . If Myrtle was licking them I'm sure they were pretty clean. Mrs Dusti said She tried Myrtle at Pre-bussing the tables, but all the customers were having a fit, especially when She climbed up on the table and began helping Herself to all the food. And She kept stuffing yeast rolls in Her pouch.
So I guess I will have to talk to her tonight about work ethics. And maybe send a Peanut Butter sandwich with her, for a snack. Or some more girl Scout Cookies, We still have a few boxes left.
We'll Myrtles very tired after her first day as a Working girl, theres homework and Chores to do, tommorow Myrtle is trying out for a part in the School Play, She wants the part of Cinderella, As ugly as She is She really should try out for one of the Evil Stepsisters.
So wish Her luck.
Until then
Myrtle's Father

Myrtle Falls in the Washing Machine

Today was a really hairy Day.
While I was doing Laundry, I left the Machine lid open, to go and answer the phone.
Myrtle has been aggravating me to let Her do some Laundry. (She loves to sit on the Washer while it Spins ) While I was on the Phone, Myrtle sneaked in the Washroom and poured a whole box of Laundry Detergent in the Machine ( She wanted to make bubbles I assume ) I can just see her laughing and grinning, at the thought of making a room full of bubbles.
During her sneaky routine, She accidentally fell in the Washer, and when the lid came down, it came on. After my breif phone conversation, I went back down to the washroom, and I heard the most unusual sound coming from the washer. Then I realized I had not turned the washer on. Furthermore I looked down and the whole room was about a foot deep in soap bubbles.
" Myrtle I called out" there was no answer and I could her her making sounds from the washer.
I hurridly lifted the lid, and there was my Baby all suds up and wet, She looked like an oversized Gerbil. I snatched Her from the machine, and made sure she was all right.
She was soaking wet. I scolded Her and told Her how dangerous that could have been. She just laughed, She thought it was so funny. " Billy Bob Ben Jo Holcombe said he does it all the time"
She replied. I should have figured it had something to do with that School mate Hoodlum of Hers. If BBBJH told you to eat a bucket of Horsecrap would you do that I asked?
Never mind I said, ( because I knew the answer to that question.)
So after all that drama, I sent Myrtle upstairs to finish her Girl Scout homework.
She has been working very hard to earn Her new badge. Cookie salespossum of the month.
Even though the other little Girls do everything they can to sabatoge her efforts, I know She will earn the badge. ( because I bought 50 boxes of cookies from her, She ate the rest.)
We are in debt up to her eyeballs and teeth trying to pay for all those cookies.
I think its time Myrtle gets a part time Job. They have an opening at the local restauraunt
for a Pre-wash dishwasher, tommorow after School I'm going to take her by there to apply.
( Its a non discriminating establishment).
Better go, got to put myrtle in the dryer to get her all puffed up. She looks twice her size if you put in a fabric softner sheet.
Sincerely
Myrtles father.

They thought my baby was a Hammock Salesman

Today myrtle went to School for the first time, with her new unmentionables.
When She left down the walk towards the Schoolbus stop, She was wobbling and tripping over her Girlie thing ( Bra ). I could hear all the Kids laughing as she was getting on the Bus.
Unfortunately as she was climbing the steps, The bus driver closed the door too quick, and She got the strap caught in the door before she actually got on, And the bus drug her all the way down to the next Stop. Here we go I thought.
Her Teacher called around lunchtime and Said " Children are not allowed to sell things at School"
Baffled I asked Her what She meant. " She replied, " Merly ( Thats Myrtle you stupid**&%%$$#@@ I thought) was selling Hammocks at School today. Selling Hammocks I said?
It was a big misunderstanding. The teacher thought myrtle was hocking Hammocks, but it was her new training Bra. I guess all the cups had everyone confused. It sorta looks like She is twirled up in a few hammocks. the teacher said She was causing a disturbance as usual.
My poor Baby can't even enter womanhood without getting harrassed.
Needless to say, she came home with Four skinned knees, from tripping all over it all day. After I fixed her up with a box of bandaids, and some gauze,
She was o.k. She really looks like a cow with lots of udders. Its so expensive with all this Medical treatment everyday. I may put her out by the road with a sign that says " will work for Medical Insurance"
We are getting so poor from Her mishaps that people from new Orleans are sending us money.
The Myrtle Mishap Fund
She has a lot of homework tonight, She is behind from last night, because She accidentally
Sharpend her tail last night instead of Her pencil. After She did a number 2, from the pain, Her tail looked like a number 2. ( Pencil that is )
Well we have to go now, myrtle has to get her bath and brush her 10000 teeth.
Tommorow She is supposed to go door to door to sell girl Scout Cookies with the troop.
Last year they ( the troop ) kept telling her the wrong date on purpose. She sat at the distribution center for three days all alone.
Until then
Myrtles Father, and Girl scout leader.

Myrtle's Trip to Victorias Secret

Yesterday I took Myrtle to Victorias Secret. ( She needed some Girlie things)
Being a single Father it was rather embarrasing for Me. We entered the Mall, Myrtle was dressed in Her Cheerleading outfit, She refusues to take it off, We went into the store and started to look around. I know my face was red the whole time we were in there.
I asked the clerk to help us out with a selection for Myrtle. She needs a training Bra and some pajamas. The clerk sorted through all kinds of unmentionables, and then showed Myrtle a nice frilly Bra with Gold straps. Myrtle slowly mosey'd into the dressing room, and stayed what seemed to be an eternity. Finally She emerged from the dressing room, and it was a sight to see.
She was all twirled up in the straps, Her legs were poking through where the arms should be, and her Head was in the Cup, It looked like she was wearing some kind of weirdo hat. Her tail was curled up and bunched in the other cup. She smiled and said " Look Daddy, What do you think?" I just laughed to myself, and asked the clerk for a more appropiate selection, one with 8 cups so it would cover all of her womanhoods. The clerk sighed and said " This is a Human Store, all the Bras have just 2 cups sir" What kind of discrimination is that, I thought.
Meanwhile during the conversation Myrtle was noseying around one of the Mannequins, had climbed up it and was swinging by her tail from the wig. All of a sudden, the mannequin snapped in half at the waistline, rolled out of the store front and into the common area of the mall, Before we got to the store Myrtle was having a fit for a Cherry Slushie, from the food court, and during all the Chaos the slushie came out of her pouch ( She has a cup holder in there ) spilling all over the mannequin and it looked like from the other customers in the common area's point of veiw that a massacre had just occured. ( Myrtle was still hanging on to the Torso ) There was Screaming and sheer panic as the Mannequin kept rolling over and over, myrtle was going head over heels. One lady screamed ' Look a big rat has dismembered a lady, and she is all bloody"
It was pure pandemoneum. Security, 911, and the Fire Dept, all came ( as usual )
It took a while to explain, but finally we we allowed to leave, but before we left we did purchase a training bra for myrtle, ( 6 of them) It was rather large, and I had to go home and sew a few of them together to make enough cups for her ( it looks like a straight jacket ) we had a few cups left over, They made a nice set of Yammicas for Her. So all in all my Baby is ready for Womanhood. She will wear them to school tommorow for the first time. I'm sure something exciting will happen then, I will let you know.
Until then,,,,
Sincerely
Myrtle's Father, and Seamstress.

My Baby Is An International Sensation

Myrtle is so excited today, because I told her we actually have someone that is reading her Blog.
I told her she was an international sensation. Our regular Blog reader is a very Nice Lady from Japan. Her name is Alice, and She has a Very interesting Blog herself. She does lovely Oragami artwork, and takes very delecious pictures of the meals she prepares for her family. Every time I visit her Blog and see those pictures of the food, I get very Hungry. I can even hear Myrtles stomach growling as She sits on my Shoulder while I read Alice's Blog. Myrtle isint much on Oriental food, but She loves to lick the screen when we see the pictures. I think I may take her out to eat at a Japanese restaurant so She can learn to enjoy different foods.
With her hands and tail I'm sure She could learn to use Chopsticks. I always use Chopsticks when I eat food from the Orient, It seems to make the food more enjoyable.
This will be a short blog tonight, Myrtle has kept me Busy all day And I'm having trouble coming up with a storyline.
So for tonight thats all, Tommorow I will update you on myrtle's trip to Victorias secret.
Sincerely
Myrtles father

Myrtle's e-mail adress

If you would like to see a picture of Myrtle, I can e-mail one to you
Our adress is mattkevinjones@cs.com Or my work e-mail matt@vacationinasheville.com
I'm still trying to teach myrtle how to type with her tail ( Be Patient)
I'm having problems putting her picture on my blog, but eventually I will get it done.
Sincerely
Myrtle's Father

Myrtle' Swimming lessons

Today Myrtle and I went to the public Swimming pool, for Myrtle's first swimming lesson.
But first we had to go to the Department store, to purchase Her a swimsuit, and Shower cap.
She must have tried on a hundred swimsuits before we could find one that fit. She finally found One that fit her comfortably, It was real hard to find because it had to have a hole in the rear for her tail to go through. Its really cute, a floral print with frilly edges. ( She looks so ridiculous you can't help but laugh when you see Her in it)
She wanted a little purse to go with it, but all these accesories are really expensive. I did spring for a pair of water wings for her, I wouldent want my Baby to drown.
Of course She had to wear it in the car, on the way to the pool.
As we drove down the highway She kept climbing up on the rear veiw mirror so She could see herself, Each time She saw her reflection She would Hiss at herself. ( she dosent realize its Herself She is seeing, She thinks She is seeing a Opossum) She kept hanging upside down from the Mirror, blocking my veiw, and I was swerving all over the road. ( other drivers probably thought I was A drunk driver or something). a DWPI ( Driving while possum impaired)
We finally got to the pool, and I ran up on the curve, Myrtle lost her grip and got slung to the back winshield. I'ts so important to keep your children in a child safety seat just for this reason.
The first swimming excersize was jumping off the diving board and into the pool. When it came to Myrtles turn, She slowly mosey'd towards the end of the diving board, and when She got to the edge, She just froze up and stopped. All the other Kids were taunting her screaming JUMP, JUMP, like she was on top of a building trying to commit suicide or something. I was on the opposite end of the pool, and got her attention, telling her to go ahead and jump, that everything would be o.k. I could tell she was unsure of her self, But She finally got enough courage, reached in her pouch and took out a clothespin and clamped her nose and went for it. As She started her way down, it was like everything was in slow motion,
She went head over heels three or four times, Her crosseyes all bugged with fear, Her thousand teeth grin locked in a lip curling spread, her short fat body stiff paralized in a streched out position. And finally she hit the water with a crashing bellyflop that seemed to take an eternity.
She sank for a moment, then rose to the surface and begin to float. ( Thank God I thought)
All of a sudden everyone began to laugh hysterically, and then I saw to my Horror, that She had lost the top to her bathing suit on the impact. Her face turned red, and so did mine. She swam to the edge of the pool and I ran over and threw a towel over her to save her any more humiliation. Unfortunately the entire swimming class saw her pre-womanly breast ( all eight of them ) at that moment I realized that my little girl was headed straight for puberty, and it was probably time for a training bra ( where in the world will I find one for her with eight cups)
This is when being a single Father has its difficulties.
I decided we would go ahead and go home early and skip the rest of the lessons. Myrtle climbed in the carseat, upsidedown and I buckled her in, and we went on our way.
During the drive home I decided we would stop by Pets R us, and get her a bag of crickettes
for her snack later ( they are her favorite ).
Well its late, and Myrtle is getting sleepy, Tommorow after school I'm going to take her to Victorias Secret to look for some Girl stuff. Wish us luck
Sincerely
Myrtle's Father ( And Mother too)

Myrtle tries out for Cheerleading

I picked Myrtle up from School today and we went to the YWCA for Cheerleading tryouts.
I'ts all she has grunted about for weeks. My baby wants to be a Cheerleader. In reality She is too short and too fat, but I'm sure she is more limber and can do all the stunts better than most other young Girls (Or Opossums) can. I'm a little concerned about the skimpy outfits that they wear. Myrtle is starting to blossum out, if you know what I mean.
Anyway we showed up on time and there was a hoard of girls there to tryout. Some of the girls were Myrtles classmates. When they saw us they started to Whisper to each other, God only knows what kind of mean things they were saying. The Coach told all the Girls to line up, and he started to pick Squads for the tryouts. She called out name after name, and then finally She said " Mittle Jones" ( they never can get her name right.) I gently pushed Myrtle foward to the line, She was very Nervous, Not Myrtle, the Coach. You could have heard a pin drop as Myrtle scuffled across the floor, slowly but steadily, stopping every now and then to scratch a flea or two, tripping a couple of times on the hem of her Cheerleading outfit.
Each Girl was to recite a Cheer she had made up for the tryout.
Finally it came to the girl just ahead of Myrtle. It was Sally Mae Shrineholder, a little Girl from myrtles class, who has been known to pick on her.
Her cheer went something like this,
TWO FOUR SIX EIGHT
WHO DO WE LOVE TO HATE
MYRTLE, MYRTLE, SLOW AS A TURTLE, SO FAT SHE NEEDS A GIRDLE, SO UGLY SHE MAKES MILK CURDLE.
She jumped and piroletted or what ever you call it, and the crowd laughed and clapped. Myrtles face turned bright red with embarrasment, If you could see it through all the hair.
Next it was Myrtle's turn. I just held my breath with horror. Would my little Baby be able to pull it off??
She fumbled onto the center stage, and picked up the shakers, one in one hand the other with her tail, and began to jump and twirl. Poor thing got dizzy and threw up all over her little outfit.
but all in all she did o.k. I guess. I wonder if She will make the team??
Her cheer went something Like this
MY DADDY IS GREAT
MY DADDY IS FINE
HE FALLS OVER SOMETIMES
WHEN HE DRINKS TOO MUCH WINE
I Was so embarrased that Myrtle would mention me drinking wine.
As we all waited to hear who made the team, Sally mae Shrineholder looked over at Myrtle and said " You will never be a Cheerleader, rats dont make the team"
Myrtle had a big tear in her eye, and I reassured Her she Would be fine.
It was a long wait, and I noticed Myrtle was fidigiting around Sally Mae's Shoes, Probably smelling poop, I thought
But actually she took her tail and tied Sally Mae's shoestrings together, without her knowing it.
All of a sudden the Coach called out " Sally Mae Shrineholder "
As Sally went to leap foward, She tripped and Busted her nose and it bled all over her frilly little uniform I grinned delightfully, and So did Myrtle.
Sally was the last one to Make the team, And I was looking over at Myrtle, She had the most disappointed look about her, Then all of a sudden the Coach Said. " and Our Mascot position goes to Myrna Jones. ( thats Myrtle you stupid %%$$#@@**&, I thought to myself )
Myrtle was so proud, She was just gleaming. I on the other hand was a little upset considering
The team was called The Richardale Rodents.
But my little Princess was happy and that's all that matters.
We went to Golden Corral for dinner, to celebrate , and after we got seated the place cleared out and we had it all to ourselfs as usual, Myrtle was smaking, and eating with her mouth open and drewling everywhere, making a complete mess of everything. And I felt so calm and serene, Life was good and all was well, My little Girl was happy for once.
We'll go to go, Myrtles needs to be in bed early, She has swimming lessons after School tommorow. ...... until then
Sincerely
Myrtles Father

Billy Bob Ben Jo Holcombe's Messy Ordeal

Today was a Wonderful Day for Myrtle and I.
It was the first day She wasen't crying when She got off the bus.
It was also the first day the bus Driver actually dropped Myrtle off in front of the House and Not down the road and across the street ( She was making her cross the highway, hoping she would get run over)
Myrtle came a skipping up the lane, moving faster than I have ever saw her. It was like a Rainbow was over our house or something.( that night I looked outside to make sure there wasen't two Moons ) As she came up to the House and Climbed over the fence, She had this ridiculous grin on her face, even more ridiculous than usual.
I reached down and grabbed her tail and slung her up on my shoulder and gave her a big kiss and said " whats got you in such a good mood "
Of course She diden't answer, She just reached in her pouch and pulled out a note from the Teacher.
It read as follows:
Dear Mr Jones:
Upon eating the Brownies you sent to School with Myrna ( Thats Myrtle you stupid ##@$**## I thought ) Billy Bob Ben Jo Holcombe, had a serious Explosive bowel movement all over Class. We are suspicious of the ingredients in the Brownies, since there was an Ex-Lax wrapper stuck to the bottom of one of them. We contacted Bill Bob Ben Jo Holcombe's Mother about the incident, And she planning on a full investigation with the School Board.
The Superintendant ( I think thats how you spell it ) will be contacting you soon.
As I finished reading it I could Hear Myrtle Snickering in the Background.
It felt good to have something happen to somebody else's kid besides mine for a change.
Now I know why you are so Happy today Young Lady. I said.
All of a sudden I smelled Shit, And I realized it wasent because Billy Bob Ben Jo Holcombe had messed all over the place that myrtle was so Happy, It was because She had hid some of the Brownies in her pouch,and had ate them, and she had Shit all over herself, And was in anticipation of cleaning it all up for a Midnight Snack.
Even Children that you Love can be absolutely Gross sometimes.
I'm starting to get sick on my stomach just thinking about it. So I'd better Go for now
Myrtle has Cheerleader tryouts tommorow, It will take a real good nights sleep to deal with that .
Sincerely
Myrtles Father

The valentine Party

Today was Myrtle's Valentine party at school.
I sent her off today with a " Pouch" full of Valentines. I nearly cried when she waddled up the bus steps, It was the first day the Bus driver diden't swerve at her. She has been so excited about Valentines Day. I think She is in love. She keeps mentioning this little Boy, his name is Billy Bob Ben Jo Holcombe. ( typical for this area ) She has that glassy look of love in her eyes,
( I think thats what it is, It may be just her cross eyes confusing me )
She made a very special homeade Valentine for him, It took her half the evening to make it, trying her best to write his name ledgible ( She uses her Tail). I cant belive my little Girl is growing up so fast.
But of course all good things must come to an end, As usual She got off the school bus crying again, like a concerned Father I rushed down the path to see what was wrong, With Her big Cross eyes and Buck teeth She looked up at me and handed me this Valentine with her tail.
It was a pretty heart shaped with a set of pots and pans on the front. ( Strange I thought )
When I opened it and read it I realized why she was crying. The inside caption read
" Roses are Red, Violets are Blue,
You would be delicious in a big pot of Stew"
Cant wait for you to come to Dinner,
Love
Billy Bob Ben Jo Holcombe.
How hateful was that little Hillbilly child to my Baby,
So to calm her down, we went inside and I dished her up a big bowl of rotton sweet potatoes and little Friskies. She slurped it down with her long tongue, washed up her butt, and fell asleep in my lap. It was one of those National Geographic Moments, And I realized that no matter how ugly or delicious looking my Baby was , I would never let any harm come to her.
So after putting her to bed, I made that Billy Bob Ben Jo Holcombe some brownies with Ex-lax in them, for Her to take to School tommorow. I hope he shits all over Himself for torturing my Baby.
Sincerely
Myrtles father

Myrtles Halloween Costume Fitting

Today I took Myrtle to be fitted for her Halloween costume.
Even though its months away, She aggravated me so bad we went ahead and did it.
I asked her what she wanted to go as and she said "A Possum " Weird huh, because she is a Opossum. When we went to the costume shop for her fitting the lady really thought we were weird, she had a confused look on her face about the costume. I tried to explain to her that Myrtle thought she was a princess and did not realize she was a Possum. I know this sounds confusing, so think of how I feel....
The fitting was a disaster, myrtle kept squirming around and getting her tail caught up in the seams of the costume. The headpeice was a little snug so we had to pull it down on her, and in all the drama she peed all over the seamstress. the lady nearly got pissed about the whole ordeal, and said " Why dont you just let her go as a possum like she is" Myrtle overheard her and was very upset. So it took another twenty minutes for me to explain to her that she was a princess, just an ugly one and not a ratty looking Opossum. So we finally got her fitted and she refused to take it off, so I let her wear it in the car when we left. On the way home I had to stop and Get some Snuff, so as usual I took myrtle in the store with me, The clerks were standoffish, until Ii explained to them, it was just a costume and this was really my little girl. They asked how I i got my daughter stuffed inside such a little costume. it was too much to go into so we just made our purchase and left.
Later that evening I got a rather nasty call from Child protective services about abusive treatment, reported by a store clerk. I did my best to explain but they just werent getting it. So Now We have a court date, maybe the judge will understand, if I can get myrtle to take off the costume. I dred to see how the bus stop goes in the morning, since She looks even more like a possum with the possum costume on. All this is giving me a headcahe, as you can imagine. got to go now, I need to help myrtle with her valentines for the other School kids. They are having a party tommorow at School.
Sincerely
Myrtles Father.

Myrtles first dentist appointment

"Stop Laughing I said "
But they just kept on. It was Myrtles first Dentist appointment. Doctor Fixatooth and his Lovely Assistant was huddled up in the corner laughing at Myrtles X-rays. What could be so Damn funny I thought? Myrtle has extremely buck teeth, and I took her in to get an estimate for her braces. We'll it will cost you quite a bit said Fixatooth. It will take a few railroad ties to fix that grill. The word grill made me nervous, because it was around lunchtime, and you know how a bunch of Hillbillys like Grilled Opossum. Myrtle was real fidgity, especially with the lip retractors on. I reassured her that everything would be alright, even though I knew it would take a miracle to fix her snaggly smile. She's so bucktooth she could eat Blackeyed peas out of a coke bottle. But everything worked out o.k., I gave Fixatooth the title to my old 92 dodge colt
For a down payment, God only knows how I will come up with the rest.
As usual Myrtle was sort of tramatized by the whole event, So I decided we would go to Old Europe for a coffee and Biscotti. While we were relaxing at old Europe, sipping our coffee, Myrtle got chocked on a peice of Biscotti, So in a panic I asked the waitress to call 911, She did And I heard her tell the dispatcher. 'There is a man here giving mouth to mouth to a very Large Rat, Could you send the Guy's in the Funny farm Wagon, He's upsetting the customers."
Someone in the backgroung yelled " Get a room ". Before the rescue arrived myrtle upchuked
The Biscotti and re-ate it and She was o.k. Of course that set off a chain reaction of throwing up among all the other customers. So I decided we'd better go before any more commotion happend, But as slow as She is, it took her a while to finish peeing on the white tablecloth and twirl down the chair with her tail. I couldent help but think how cute She was during all of this ( thats a Fathers love for you )
Well We better go, I need to get myrtle in Bed early tonight, She has her Halloween Costume fitting tommorow, Cant really reveal whats she's going as next year, It will be a surprise for all of us.
Sincerely
Myrtles Father

Myrtle's School pictures

This was a Hard day.
Myrtle can home with her school pictures.
I hate to say it but, they were so ugly, I sent Some to my Mother in Florida. ( In Florida there is a real Roach Problem ) Told her to slide one under the refrigerator to help kill roaches.
And one to my elderly next door neighbor, She carries mace with her everywhere she goes to fend off would-be attackers. Told her if an attacker happen to approach her, just show them the photo real fast and they would certainly hit the ground.
It pains me to say this about my baby but we must speak the truth. ( Except to her, I always tell her she looks like a Princess )
Myrtle was so excited she wobbled as fast as She could up the path from the Bus stop, When she came in the house, She handed me the Package of Photos, Smiled and began to Groom her Behind. I put one up on the Refrigerator, but after she went to bed of course I took it down.
Unfortunately in the package was also the bill from the photographer, not just the charges for the Photos, but a very large bill for the camera lens which cracked, when he snapped the picture.
Having an Ugly Child can run into a lot of money.
Tommorow after School we have an appointment with the Dentist, Its time to get my Baby some braces. I'm doing everything I can to improve on her looks.
A friend suggested to have her photo printed on a bumpersticker to help prevent people from following too close in traffic ( not a bad Idea Huh??)
We'll I gotta go, Need to help Myrtle with some thank you notes to the Photographer,
Letting him know " Thanks for putting us into Bankrupcy, replacing that camera lens.
Thats all for now
Myrtles Father

Note: If your curious about what myrtle looks like, I hope to have time to put some pictures of her on my blogsite this week. If not, next week for sure.

She's so ugly, She could melt Snow

Wow, We are expecting about 5 inches of Snow tonight and tommorow.
Myrtle is so excited she can barely control Herself.
She Keeps hanging from the Chandelier, singing Frosty the Snowman. ( She thinks its still Christmas) Last time it Snowed, I took her Sleding, She kept jumping off in front of the Sled, and it kept running over her. ( the Vet Bills were enormous.)
This time I bought her a pair of Ski's, so She can ride behind the sled. She looks so cute in her Parka, hat and gloves. The Bandaids on her tail aren't so attractive.
Her tail as ugly as it is, is so wrinkly. We went to Belks department store, to the cosmetic counter to look for some Anti aging and de wrnikling creme for her tail.
As we came up to the counter I sat her down beside the lipstick display, while I waited on the clerk to assit us. the Store was pretty busy, so to pass the time we started trying on differen't shades of lipstick. all of the shades made me look like a slut, but the burnt berry shade really
Compliments Myrtles lips, it also sort of hides her buck teeth.
The clerk kept pointing at us from the other side of the store, and soon they was a crowd gathering. I knew from past experience, that we should pack up and go. So we exited very quickly, but when we passed through the security gate it started beeping. Suddenly Several store security officers surrounded us telling me over the bullhorn, " Drop the ugly kid and put your hands up" it was a nasty ordeal.
Come to find out Myrtle had hijacked that pretty shade of lipstick and a bottle of Liz taylor's White Diamonds, ( A forty dollar value) Needless to say we did not get the free Handbag
Supplies were already out.
Myrtle has a problem of sticking things in her pouch without paying for them.
So it was another day of police, and laughs and stares, Just a normal day in the life of a father with an ugly, Kleptomaniac kid.
Sincerely
Myrtles Father

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The Principal does not like hairy Kids

I was sitting in the principals office really nervous waiting on him to come in.
It was a parent teacher conference. My little Girl was somehow in trouble ( Not my baby )
It was a long wait, and as I sat there I looked around taking it all in.
His Desk was large and full of clutter. There were several cookbooks sitting on his desk, One was titled How to cook Wild creatures with Angel hair pasta. this really made me nervous.
All of a sudden he bursted through the door, introduced himself and plopped down in his oversized Lazyboy. ( He needed one, he was slightly oversized himself )
Well Mr Jones we seem to have a problem with your little girl he said
My Baby, couldent be I replied. Oh yes, its your hairy little Daughter, Seems she keeps causing a disturbance in Gym Class. She climbs the rope with her tail instead of her hands and legs like most normal kids do. Other Children seem to be scared of her and this has got to stop.
And it seems She eats with her mouth open during Lunch and its really nasty looking.
He continued to go on and on about all kinds of stuff.
It really pisses me off that my opossum girl cant even go to School without getting Harassed.
He even offered up a Lady Venus razor and Said" If she would get rid of that facial hair things may go a little smooth"
Upset as I was about the hairy issue . I just kept thinking of how silly my Baby would look with a naked face.
So we all came to an agreement on some issues but not the facial hair one.
After that they called in myrtle, I decided to take her home early that day, and we left.
It took us about twenty minutes to get to the car, Myrtle walks so slow, not to mention she had to stop and pee, and smell all the grass, and nibble on a little dog poop.
It was hell getting her in the car seat. The strap knocked off her glasses, and they rolled under the car, so i put her on the ground so she could Mosey under it and get the glasses, of course she climbed up on the tire and took her sweet time, looking around bumping into everything, crosseyed and blind as she is. finally we was able to leave.
We were at CiCi's Pizza when all the Women ran away from the buffet screaming, and one little kid threw up. I guess it was because she ( myrtle ) was hanging upside down from the Sneeze Sheild nibbling on the hawaii delight pizza. I reassured everyone that she brushes her teeth every morning and she is very clean. Over the loudspeaker came a voice that said " Rat on the pizza bar..... RUN."
See all the Misery we have to go through. And you think you have problems with your Kid??
All ended well we got our food for free, but had to eat it in the back of a Police car.
Myrtle still has ink all over her from the fingerprint ordeal.
I was sort of upset when they put her in the cell with all the prostitutes.
I was in the Big Boy cell ( it was kind of Exciting) O'h well we wont go there.
Anyway we just got bailed out and its late so i've got to go.
More stories tommorow.
Sincerely
Myrtles Father.

Note: Opposums are a vital part of the Eco system. They are scavengers, and clean up the woods and enviroment by eating dead animals, fruit etc. They also help with such things as seed disbursment, helping to reforrest wild fruit trees and such.
Although opossums are very gentle and non aggresive, always beware of them they can inflict a very nasty bite. If you see a Opossum in the daytime the Animal is probably sick or injured since they are normally nocturnal. You can help the injured or sick animal by calling your local Animal Control office and asked them to refer you to a Wildlife rehab Specialist in your area.
The specialist will probably come and pick up the animal,seek medical care for it, or determine the best possible route to take. Many female Opossums who are rescued still have young in their pouch, these small babies can be removed and cared for until they are able to be released back into the wild. last year alone I rehabed more than 25 young and all were released back into their rightful place, Nature.
Be Kind to opossums without them the world would be a nasty place.

The Principal Gave Us a Capital F

Stay tuned, tommorow night I will tell you the story about myrtle and Principal magillicuty.

The Bus Driver tries to run over my baby

I have the ugliest child in the world...
Her name is myrtle.
She is a opossum. ( yes a Opossum)
Dont laugh I get enough of that as it is.
When I take her to the drive in window at mcDonalds, the window worker wont even slide open the door. It always " pull up to the white line"
Do you know how embarrasing that is? All the kids at School make fun of her they call her Crosseyes. Every morning the School bus tries to run over her instead of picking her up.
I know they can see the backpack and lunchables sitting beside her.
Even ugly kids deserve an education. What can I do except put out a sign that says " Hey lady
Stop the Bus".
People on the highway can be so rude when we are driving around town. They honk and laugh at us on the interstate. it really hurts her feelings. She is ultra sensitive.
My mother does mean things too, She refuses to let myrtle sit at the dinning table during holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving. She once tried to have a sleepover at home and none of the other kids showed up. Her and I had to eat all the Chex mix by ourselfs.
Once at the grocery store she got her tail caught in the buggy. Absolutely nobody came to our assistance. ( Whats the world coming to?)
We went to Kids Depot once and she had to go down the slide all by herself. I felt terrible for her
So after we left I took her to have her pouch groomed at the Oriental Nail Salon.
The technician kept commenting about how good she would look in a bed of fried rice.
I love her very much. I keep her in a box by the fireplace. even my partner of 10 years says her tail looks like a dead snake.
She often comes home from School crying saying all the kids pick on her, and asks her to hang upside down from the ceiling. We are Jewish and you should see her in her yammica. ( I know only men wear them o.k. ( this is a story keep in mind ) Once a repair man came to the house
He was a real Hillbilly, you know like the kind that stars on Hew-Haw. He said he would give me 5 bucks for her, Said his wife makes a mean possum stew. I wouldent take a million dollars for her ( maybe a Million and a half ) She was so distraught that she climbed in the oven and turned the gas on high, only after she sprinkled herself with taragon and sage.
Tommorow I have to go to the School for a parent teacher conference, they say she is failing Gym class. I think the other kids are jealous because she can climb the rope better than them.
Anyway I gotta go, I need to help her with her homework. Please remeber to be kind to ugly kids, they just want to fit in. And if you see my little girl sitting beside the road one morning
in her pink dress and barney lunch box SLOW DOWN, she cant see very well and she may step out in front of you.
Stay tuned for more Unhappy stories about my ugly little girl.
Sincerely
Myrtles father.

Note: Myrtle is a real opposum that I rehabilitated. I am a wildlife rehab specialist for the State of North Carolina. Myrtle was brought to me by a wildlife officer after being pulled out of the mouth of a vicious dog when she was just 8 weeks old. She is nearly blind and about 3 years old
She is a wonderful and loving animal that has become a part of the family. Most opposums I rehab are released back into the wild, but myrtle was to Human imprinted to let go. She is a house opposum and has her own room.

How ugly can a kid be???

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